Dear Armando Christian Pérez,
Is it OK if I call you Armando Christian Pérez? It’s just so much more stately and human than Pitbull; it’s the kind of name you want to picture with a kodak, or take a picture of with a kodak . Before I get in to the bulk of this letter, I would like to provide you with a list (in order) of the first 15 comments on a recent facebook post from NBC soccer asking folks’ opinion of your new track “We Are One” which somebody somewhere decided is the “official” theme song of the 2014 World Cup in Brazil:
“all i had to read was pitbull and i knew it would suck”, , “I’m gonna kill myself now.”, “I’d rather listen to a vuvuzela for an hour.”, “Please don’t post crap like this in the future. Thanks!”, “Terrible. I cannot stand listening to pitbull”, “Would have given it a chance, but it’s Pit bull…”, “AWFUL”, “ugh… no more pitbull…..”, “An embarrassment to the sport…”, “That’s really really bad.”, “Disgusting”, “Send Pitbull back to Alaska for good.”, “Wanted to stab my ears with hot pokers…”, .
I am not going to provide a link to the song in question because I feel it would be irresponsible to do so.
Someone once said, incorrectly, that there’s no accounting for taste. It seems to me there is a pretty loud consensus here. This is but the latest in a string of increasingly poor decisions regarding your career path, (something something something) your career path. Bad rappers are all around us all the time. Many of these artists “take themselves seriously” insofar as they are in touch with their ridiculousness. An artist like 2-Chainz can rap a line like “Dos cadenas, close to genius/Sold out arenas, you can suck my penis”, and it’s fine because his tongue is planted firmly and obviously in his cheek. You, on the other hand, you rap like the only person not in on the joke; everybody is laughing at you while you are convinced we are laughing with you.
I can not stress this enough, you very nearly ruined a perfectly good Ke$ha song last month. “Timber”, were it without the hook, would be not only bad, but unpopular. Thank your lucky stars Ke$ha saved that track with her usual brand of bourbon-glitter-lubricated sex purring. I would rather hear Ke$ha rap amelodically about her savage menses for 4 minutes than hear one more “Wooooo OOOOOOOOOOHHHHHHHH” escape your crusty, stupid lungs.
You are cultivating and underwriting all of the things people hate about you. Through your apparent insistence on saying “Dale” (dah-lay) and yelping “wooooooooo oooooh” no less than three times every song, you are deluding yourself into the belief you’re exalting a persona, when really you’re just reminding people over and over how much you suck.
So please, hang it up. There have been plenty of “artists” before you who have done us all a favor and gone the way of the dodo, it will be a real shame if you are still famous 5 years from now.